yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
