3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
