When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
