So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
