Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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