Already got asked if we're dating
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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