What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
