i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Actions speak louder than pants.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
