it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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