Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
