I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
