How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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