so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
