I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
