there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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