Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
