i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
