True but thats because hes a fetus.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
