I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
