There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
as a side note pls kill me
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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