you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
