my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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