Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
