people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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