i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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