Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
