Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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