I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
worst night to have a conscience
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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