I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
