so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
