She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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