I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
