your thong is hanging out like whoa
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You pole danced in your parka.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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