I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
