You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I have aggressive nipples.
Sorry about my life...
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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