I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
zippers are such a cool invention
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
