I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
