Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
