I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
