I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Randomize
