respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
