you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
