So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
