This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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