I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
In other news, I just burned my penis
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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