life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
