My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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