I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
