The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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