You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
